My most amazing experience in my life.... (written on Sunday Jan 4th)

Today I went to church, it was the first time to ever go alone in my entire life. I've done things like shopping and eating out alone but never church. I also had never felt what alone/lonely really feels like. Today I did. I hated the feeling, I almost felt ashamed for not having someone with me. It's kind of hard to explain how being alone could bring a feeling of shame but it did to me today. I didn't want to go in to church and almost came back home but I decided that the one place I needed to be at that moment was there, not hiding and feeling sorry for myself in my bedroom. So I went in and sat a little closer to the front and nearer people than I normally do, I tend to hide in a corner. We sang the hymns, a peace started overcoming me. I was greeted and hugged by a member of the congregation, I stopped feeling so alone physically. But what was the most amazing part of my day was during the prayer requests and service. I didn't speak a request but as the minister prayed for those spoken and unspoken I started to cry. Not a bawling cry but tears gently flowing down my cheek. At first I didn't even notice it because I was so lost in my own silent prayer and listening to the minister. I had never felt so touched. Like a physical touch but inside me. I no longer felt emotionally alone, I hadn't realized how emotionally alone I had been feeling even until this moment. I felt a peace I had never felt before. And more amazingly I felt “at home”. I have searched my entire adult life for that feeling in the arms of men, and never finding it was starting to believe I never would. I never realized how much I needed it from God. I thought I had a firm faith and belief in God my entire life. Boy was I wrong... Yes I have had faith and belief but I didn't have my home in him. I'm not sure if that even makes sense to anyone but me, but I guess that's how things work sometimes. But having your “home” in him is the root of faith and belief. So as alone as I felt walking into church today I walked out feeling like I will never ever be alone again. I might not have people around me physically but I will not be alone. It's amazing to know this, to feel it, and to have faith in this.

This also led me to another realization. I had always thought I would find a feeling of completeness and “home” in the arms of men, it's caused me to fall “in love” many times. It's caused me to make vows to men that I was bound to fail those vows with. I don't regret marrying them, it's helped me become who I am and in someway was needed to aid in this part of my journey. But I now know that what I had been seeking was God to complete me. Now I have that, I will continue to nurture my relationship with him... now that I know this peace, completeness and feeling of home I will not let it go. I also feel that I will finally be able to have a healthy relationship with a man. I will one day make those precious vows to someone that has also made a vow with God, has made him his home. The vows will take on a new meaning for me, will be solid and unbreakable. I am looking forward to making them one day to the man that will grow with me through life and faith, one who will understand my vows and home with God. Life will not always be perfect. I will face obstacles in life and love but I know now that I am not alone and I don't have to fight my battles alone. I have someone bigger and stronger that I ever imagined on my side, and in him I have made a vow to rely on his love and power..the truths he has spoken and the promises he's made to me.

I will never feel alone again......