Reflections of 2008... (written on Jan 1st)

Well 2008 is officially behind me, as of 19 minutes ago. I decided to start a journal of sorts for 2009 so that at the end of the year I can look back and reflect on the good, bad, indifferent... I can see where I've grown and if I've been to afraid to take a chance... I can also see where I have been foolish and need to learn a lesson or 2. I have many hopes for this new year, though honestly my expectations aren't nearly as high as those hopes. But before getting into what I desire for the upcoming year I want to reflect on the year I've made it through.

It was one of change for me and everyone else. Michael suffered his first major heartbreak, as a mom I had to learn to let him heal that heart his own way. Corey has learned things about himself, done some self acceptance, and is turning into a wonderful young man. I managed 2 major moves, to FL and then to Arkansas. Marriage number 3 came to an end.... which meant I had to face facts I really wanted to ignore but just couldn't anymore. I tried college yet again, but let life get to me and stopped... I really just want to find a direction and calling already. I found Lee again, which has been a blessing to me in more ways than one would ever imagine. I started a spiritual growth that has brought so much peace to me. I have started reading the bible, something I said I would not do but feel to have the faith I claim to have I need to have the knowledge of God... this is one of my greatest growths of 2008. I've had to learn to let go of the boys and let them learn a bit about life on their own, let me tell you this is HARD! I have made a challenge of goals to complete in the next few years (101 in 1001) and am happy I did this because it's nice to complete something and mark it off the list. I started a list of desires, I learned that I don't desire much in the materialistic fashion of life which somehow made me feel weird. I also hate starting a sentence with the words “I want ”because it makes me feel selfish, which to me is one of the worst traits a person can have... but sometimes you have to put your wants and needs before others. I guess it's something I will continue to work on.... we shall see.

..... and the old saying goes... "What will be will be", right... blind faith as I came to understand. Sometimes I just get tired of living on blind faith and want something solid and concrete. Something I can touch and feel and trust will always be there. But faith is often blind, just something that's there in your gut and soul... unshakable. Sometimes I just don't feel I even have an unshakable faith because I do let crap pop into my head to second guess everything... but despite this I do have faith in love and destiny. I have seen it and felt it to many times in my life not to.

So all in all 2008 came in like most years and out like many in my life. I'm thankful to see it go and sad I couldn't stop time and hang on to a few of the treasured moments I never wanted to stop. There was hope and dreams, pain and love, and many days of just daily routine.

And 2009 has come in like most years... a list of hopes, dreams, desires, goals, resolutions to keep and break, disappointments to be had, tears to come, love to find and grow, acceptance of myself and others to learn. It's new yet is part of the same song... just a different verse of sorts. Some of my singers will be the same as years past and some will be new. I want to enter with a blind faith that this year will be the year when things take a turn in a positive direction and actually go that way from beginning to end. I know that this is kind of fairy tale thinking though since life is about the bumps and curves you're thrown, it's what makes you into the person you are destined to become before life here on earth ends.

So here is to the past I've lived and the future with all it has to give! What will be will be!!! Happy New Year!